Embracing Anguish
In thinking of anguish, despair and overwhelming sadness, my mind drifts back to vivid memories of my daughter’s diagnosis of type 1 diabetes. The first night we were in the hospital, I left our room around 3 am and went into the lobby where I broke down.
I do not mean I cried. I mean, I wailed. I could not eat. I could not sleep. I could not imagine how on earth I was going to give my baby shots every day! The thought of my little girl suffering with this disease for the rest of her life just overtook me. I felt I could not breathe. I cried out to God to rescue me and somehow pull me through the storm. He did.
Do you remember a time in your life when you felt anguish? Terrible despair and overwhelming sadness?
It seems the older I get and the more mature I become, the more I come face to face with true anguish. Sometimes it is my own and sometimes, it belongs to someone else. I have met so many mothers during the last few years who have also found themselves mourning a life they knew before their own child was diagnosed with a certain disease. This is anguish.
I have also known so many mothers who have been diagnosed with cancer. Some have won their fight and remained here on earth and some have gone on ahead to be with the Lord. Each of them has faced leaving their children behind, which to any mother is her worst nightmare. Again, this is anguish.
What I have realized is that at some point- either early on in life or later in life- every mother has to acknowledge that their baby is really God’s baby. And as a mother, she has to surrender that child to live out the purpose God planned for them.
Each month, the parents (mostly mothers) gather at our school to talk about what is going on at the school and how we can get more involved. It is our version of a PTA meeting. Because we are a K-12 school, there is always a time at the end when a mother of a senior gets up to offer some of us younger mothers some wisdom.
Last week, this mother got up and started reading letters she had written to her daughter in preschool, kindergarten and first grade. That daughter will graduate in May and leave home for college in the fall. There were not many dry eyes in the room. Anguish.
Interestingly enough, my daily bible readings took me to 1 Samuel this week and I was immediately drawn to Hannah and her story.
Hannah shared her husband, Elkanah, with Peninnah. Are any of you seeing this first red flag? It is important to note that polygamy was often accepted in Old Testament culture but anytime it is mentioned in the bible, the problems and heartaches that it caused are highlighted. God intended marriage to be between one man and one woman and it is made clear over and over in His word. But I don’t want to get away from the point of today’s blog.
So Hannah was loved by Elkanah but this love was not enough for her. Hannah wanted children. However, “God closed her womb.” That is right, God closed her womb.
Know this was a society and a culture where having children was the purpose of a wife. To some women today, this is still the case. To Hannah, her barrenness was the ultimate failure.
To make matters worse, Peninnah had many children and rubbed it in Hannah’s face, taunting and mocking her. Verse 1:6 says, “her rival kept provoking her in order to irritate her. This went on year after year.”
She must have been jealous because even though Hannah could not have children for Elkanah, the bible clearly says he loved her anyway. Makes me wonder if he loved Peninnah.
So year after year, this family went up from their town to worship and sacrifice to the Lord at Shiloh.
Verse 7 says, “Whenever Hannah went up to the house of the Lord, her rival provoked her till she wept and would not eat.”
Apparently this went on and on until Hannah could no longer handle it on her own. And she turned to God.
Verse10 “In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the Lord Almighty, if you will only look upon your servants’ misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head.”
She prayed from her heart as the text says no sound could be heard but her lips moved (v 13). Here was this woman, broken, rejected, troubled, distressed—in anguish---and she prayed to God to rescue her and to pull her through the storm.
Hannah promised God that if He gave her a son, she would give the child back to God to serve Him for all of the days of his life. She also promised that no razor should ever cut his hair. This is important because this was a sign to everyone that the child was a Nazarite, someone separated and set apart for God.
As she was praying to the Lord, Eli (the priest) observed her mouth. And he actually accused her of being drunk (v 14). Here is where she explained that she was deeply troubled and in great anguish and grief (v16).
At this point, Eli told her to go in peace. Verse 17 “Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him.”
Sure enough, God sent her a son whom she named Samuel. And true to her word, ass soon as he was weaned (probably around 3 years old based on what we know about the culture), she took him back to Shiloh and gave him to Eli to be raised in the House of God.
Afterward, she saw him only once a year. It says she took him a robe that she made for him each year when the family made the trip back (1 Samuel 2:19).
Imagine how hard it would be to have prayed for a child, to be given a child and then to have to give that child back!!!
But isn’t that what we ALL must face, at one time or another?
When my daughter was diagnosed with a disease that could kill her in an instant if we give her too much insulin, there was a part of me that wanted to control everything. I wanted to constantly check her blood sugars. I wanted to wake her up in the middle of each night and make sure she was okay.
I had to realize that she is God’s child and she has a purpose that He has ordained. I cannot control this. I had to surrender her to that purpose. Her life was predestined. Her days are prenumbered. And I am merely her guardian here on earth until God determines otherwise.
I had to make the conscious decision to give her back to God to allow her to be what God intended her to be.
Hannah was very wise and she understood that. She had this faith and peace about her that was just incredible. The text tells us that as soon as she prayed, she felt peace (v 18 “then she went her way and ate something, and her face was no longer downcast.”).
She gave it to the Lord and went about her life as usual, submitting to His will and aligning herself with it. She did not know when or if God would give her a child. Regardless, she trusted God and because of that, she felt peace.
But when He did give her that baby, she was full of joy! The joy she had seemed to be more about God answering her prayers and her faithfulness than it did about her getting this baby she wanted ever so dearly.
Just after she returned her baby boy to the Lord, she begins a prayer like this: “My heart rejoices in the Lord!” 1 Samuel 2:1
Unselfish love.
From anguish to peace to joy.
Because of Hannah’s pain, she had perseverance. Because of this perseverance, she gained maturity (James 1). Because of her desperation, she turned to God. Because of her obedience, instead of getting something for herself, Israel got a judge and the greatest prophet in Israel’s history known for his unparalleled character and worth.
Wonder if Hannah ever said to herself, “God, I don’t know if I am strong enough for this!”?
Have you ever acknowledged to God that you don’t feel strong enough for a certain situation?
Hannah had to wait longer than she wanted to wait on a child. But waiting on things is not always bad because God will use our patience to produce blessings if we are just faithful to him. Note Hannah was blessed with five other children after Samuel. So her barrenness led to fruitfulness.
Again, I am touched by a song that brings this all to life a little more. The song is Strong Enough by Matthew West and the lyrics that stopped me in my tracks today when I heard it were:
“Maybe, maybe that’s the point
To reach the point of giving up
Cause when I’m finally, finally at rock bottom
That’s when I start looking up”
Here is the whole song for you to enjoy!